TRYING TO UNDERSTAND MY CONSCIOUSNESS; LIVING IN THE NOW

Being alive is being conscious. Being active is being aware of the present. It is the awareness of the current happenings of life inside us and around us.

To be alive is to break away from routine and see the beauty of nature for what it is. It means listening to the sound of god in the tiny spaces that surround you. What it ultimately means is for all you do to go beyond the scope of routine and habits; you should thoroughly enjoy every single action you take.

Some days ago, I had to stop for a minute to evaluate what I was becoming. I had to ask myself the same questions I have been asking for years without answer: What have I been doing with my life?

The answers have not come, and I don’t think I want them anymore. I only want to learn to live in the now. And that is hard; living in the present, being totally aware, letting your subconscious mind translate into your conscious mind. It is the hardest thing that any human can do, especially when the person isn’t used to such life.

I have not been able to define the purpose of why I am here. You know, on the flip side, I think these questions and answers that I have been seeking for years are like the Chinese bamboo that builds a complex root system for years – five years – before it finally springs up like a bud cracking open, revealing a tall and beautiful tree.

How long would this process of asking questions and searching for what life is take? I am not sure. But I am learning to take the process slowly. Sometimes it doesn’t feel like I am making progress, but I am. There is a need for patience, to trust the process of this becoming.

Would I finally become that which I seek?

Yes, I will.

But I have to shove my desperation for answers and trust the process. I have to be patient enough to fully realize the beauties that are trapped in these seemingly tough and arduous times. The process of my becoming would have to be trusted wholeheartedly to fully enjoy the fruits of these seeds when they bloom.

So, talking about consciousness. It is vital that as humans that we begin to live our lives with the sense of now. Most of us are encumbered by the things we can’t control: The past and the future. We are too bothered with the life we have no hold of, letting the illusion of time steal the gift of the now we have. We should not. I should not. The perceptiveness that we show is low; we don’t live for now. We should.

There are days I look around me, and wonder why I feel distant from the world. It feels like everything is passing through me like a transparent and permeable film. I watch things happen through me, but I am not involved in the things as they happen. There is some kind of confusion as to what is happening; even though I am present, I am not present. Also, though I can hear the sounds of the people around me, feel their bodies and their touch, I am not the one they touch; they touch a film of me, an illusionary image. I am far away from my body. My consciousness feels trapped in a loop.

I have been talking about this 'consciousness' and loop thing for a while now, I still haven’t understood it. Maybe I am not meant to understand these things. Perhaps I just need to let the process take its natural course; understanding is the curse of awakening. Maybe intelligence is our ego, our need for control, taking over, screaming in our ears and impeding us from seeing the light inherent in this supposed confusion.

Maybe we need chaos to find clarity.

Now I ramble. Now I am unsure what I am and what I am talking about. Now I am delving into topics I don’t even know how I came to have a grasp of. Or is this the shells of my spirit budding and waiting for the right time to burst open and blossom? Maybe. I am hopeful, you know. I am optimistic that these questions would not lead me down the rabbit hole where I’ll lose myself and lose my sanity. I am hopeful that I can – and will – come out of this phase, no matter how long it takes (I don’t think it would take too long for the seeds to unravel) to become. The meaning I am in search of isn’t what the everyday person seeks; it is something more. I want to live now!

These things that I ruminate on, these bursts of questionings, I think they come at a certain period in my life. They spring up when a significant shift is about to happen. They only pop up at the times when I am going to encounter something that would change/significantly affect my perception of life and humans. The last time I had these questions and duly engaged them, I met and became friends with A. The process also brought with it the writing of gigs and the possibilities of what I could do. I felt some kind of wholeness during that period.

A. brought with her the pain of love and trust. The hurt, looking back at it now, was not well understood. I don’t think I grieved as much. The pain was deep, but the grief was brief, and the forgiveness that followed was swift. I did, however, learn a lesson.

Was that what that pain was about: learning to forgive people as fast as possible and loving myself even more? There are no answers now. Maybe there was no lesson sef. Perhaps it was just another experience that happened. But I don’t think it was meaningless. There had to be something in that experience that needed to be learned. Maybe as the days unfold, I would learn what that experience was for.
Another major event that has gotten me thinking is this recent failure with B. It made me feel awful. I feel like I betrayed his trust and should try to pay back. But there is no way I know how to pay back. Maybe this too is a sign. Haha! I am looking for signs!

No. I am taking my failings as part of the jigsaw puzzle that would make a truckload of sense in the end. These things that are happening to me, they are for a reason, a higher purpose, I suppose.
I am learning to enjoy life. Embrace my strengths and never deny my weakness. I am learning to say ok to people even though I don’t agree with them. I am learning to detach what people do to me from who I am. Sometimes it isn’t my fault. Sometimes it is. Whoever’s fault it is, I am learning to stay away from judgments. I am remaining a transparent film that watches things pass through it, detached from the happenings. When this process is complete, I’ll fully become and step into the next phase of my personal journey to becoming.

I have sense, only as much as you think I have. In all honesty, I no too get sense. Believe I do at your own peril. An SEO professional|| Content strategist