There are too many depths of God I haven’t been able to reach. Places in his love my sinful, all-condemning human self would not allow me dare look towards. It is as though the mere thought of this love, his overwhelming, all-consuming love makes me weak in the knees. I feel like I will get blinded by that love if I ever dared venture into the room. It feels so big, so massive, this love that can’t be explained.

I am listening To KIM walker’s Insatiable love. Her voice is soothing. She reminds me of how God keeps searching for my hand, for my heart, even when I run away from him. She sings,

You’ll never stop until you have it all.

God is so much like a doting father who lets you do whatever you want to do, but is always there, waiting for you to run back home. God doesn’t leave us stranded. Never lets us off the hook. His eyes are always on us, his love ready to spread its shawl over our broken, sinful bodies, dirty souls that thirsts after the things of this world. He’s always there, waiting for us to come back. And when he sees that we aren’t coming back, he reaches to us, stretches himself to reach us. He always wants to have a relationship with us. He speaks to us in the finest, silent things. He wants our stillness. He speaks in the stillness of time, when we are tired to speak, too tired to try our loud, noisy ways.

God is a perfect father. I wonder what he thinks of us when we go astray, when we take the route that he knows will not be good for us. How does he feel when we willingly disobey his words? Does he ever have regrets? Does God look at me, and all the amazing gifts he has given me, seeing me squander it at the table of mediocrity buffeted by stupid fears he has told me not to ever worry about?

Does God see my mouth, the words he planted there, words that are meant to be soothing relief to people in times of trouble, and hates himself for giving all those beauties to me, a man too blind to see his beauties? A man who is wallowing in self-pity?

Does God look at Emeka and ask himself if those words of poetry, those literary words, were needed after all?

What am I to do with all these beautiful words shut up in my bones?

How do I bring to fruition all these wonderful things inside me?

Am I to allow these words go, just like that?

Why is it easy for others to see the amazing person that I am, and I find it difficult to? There has to be a reason why I loathe the idea of me being an awesome, incredibly sweet and smart person.

Low self-esteem much?

Maybe. Maybe I need to stand straight again, take the bull of my spirituality journey by the horn, and be more intentional about all the things God has given me.

Should I write poetry again?

What is there to write in spoken word poetry?

I surrender, dear father,
To all the love you give
I place my life in your palms,
Make of me whatever you want to.
Use me as much as you want to.

These words were words I often uttered back in school. When I knew I wanted to serve God will All of my life. These were words I often told the people who looked up to me: God wants to use you to do great things in His Kingdom.

How far away from these truths I have veered. How much the world now feels too heavy for me. How tiring prayer now feels. How overwhelming life has become for me.

But I know, deep down in my heart, that God’s love is more than enough for me. His grace is too big not to cover me. Yes, I have walked off the path he set before me many times, doing my own things. Yes, I have languished in the mud for too long, too afraid to go back home because I keep trusting in my own goodness and righteous act to be enough. Yes, I know he loves me unconditionally, and that if I ever feel unworthy, his love is always there to help me pull through. I think my fear of how he’ll see me is what sometimes keeps me away from going back to him for help.

The idea that he expects me to be perfect, that my actions aren’t as good enough for him, that I am living below his expectations, these thoughts keep me away from going back to him. I am learning to always trust him no matter how bad I feel. I am not my feelings. I am not the things my head keeps telling me I am. I am much more. I am what I believe about God. I am the things the spirit of God tells me I am, even when I don’t feel I am those things.

How often do I remind myself of these beautiful things? How well do I embody the truth of God’s love and fulfilled promises? We are a people of sight and sounds.
We were formed from sound waves, and our personality was shaped by sight waves. If we ever want to be the best versions of ourselves, then we need to be intentional about the types of sounds and sights we listen to and look up to. How we see ourselves is very dependent on what we stare at.

The bible teaches about God telling Abraham to look, and that he (God) was going to give him anything he saw, as far as he saw those things. The bible also teaches us to ‘look at Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith.’ We have nothing else, in the faith we believe in, outside of Jesus. We can’t be anything other than what the word says. No, anything we are outside of the word of God isn’t good enough.

What we call Good or Bad is dependent on what the word calls GOOD and BAD. Therefore, we define ourselves by seeing ourselves in the word.

I am always fascinated by the level of commitment God puts towards making sure we come to him. The way he always whispers his love, soft and tender, in our ears, even in the midst of storms and hard situations. It is as though God can’t live without us. Of course, God is God all by himself. He doesn’t need us to be whole. Whatever he is, he is without any input from us. Still, I think of how he chases me like a jealous lover, and I can’t help but feel special.

Why am I even feeling this way today? Did I not watch that shit today?

I did. But unlike before, something about this love of God, something about how freeing it is, when you look at it properly, something about the unspeakable joy that comes from knowing somebody has your back, something about it just makes me want to throw my hands in the air and dance and swirl and sing and shout for happiness. This happiness is so sweet.

This is what love is about: freedom. Love shouldn’t put you in bondage. You should be living free when you are in love. That is how I feel now.
But moving forward – while I still enjoy this feeling, basking in the lightweight air inside me – I need to stop attributing God’s love to my feelings. It is high time I started to understand, for myself, that love is not a feeling. It is a commitment. And with God, that commitment has become truth. His love isn’t predicated on what I feel. His love exists in and of itself. This truth is what I need to internalize and live out every single day of this amazing life I’ve got: God loves me no matter how I feel.

Does talking about the love of God make us weak humans? Does understanding the love of God, and always talking about it mean there are nothing else to talk about GOD?

Of course, talking about God doesn’t make us weak persons. Neither does it mean there isn’t other things worth talking about. But really, let’s be honest, is there anything better than the Love of God.

I was talking to ‘M’ today. And boy, you need to see how much I was smiling just hearing her voice. This love I have for her isn’t even pure. It has no deep root as the one God has for me. This love for her is tainted with lust, and if I’m being truthful, isn’t the purest and most innocent of loves. Yet I felt so good talking with her. I felt light. It felt like I should not stop.

Imagine how amazingly beautiful God’s love is. How much joy that courses through our minds, our bones, our spirit, when we truly understand that love. Imagine how full we’ll feel when we talk to him, really talk to him from the bottom of our hearts. The love of God is just so so much right now I’m wondering why I never run to his arms for protection. How do we always miss out on the good things of life? Why do we clamour for the crumbs when a whole bakery is at our disposal?

Humans haven’t been able to unlearn the scarcity they designed. We define true love by its scarcity, and not by its abundance. We can’t really understand love, God’s love, if scarcity is the yardstick for judging the value of a thing. We need a different love dictionary.

So, why have I been away from this all-encompassing love for so long? Why did I allow my mind tell me his love wasn’t good enough for me when all the while his love was all I needed? Why did I allow the things the world defined as love blind me from seeing what Love himself defines as Love? Why have I trusted so much in the goodness of my actions and conscience when I should I resting wholly in his love?

We have all been lied to by the world’s system. The best of us have been lied to. Snap out of it! Snap the hell out of it! God’s abundant love is what love truly is.

Why did we replace the Love of God something inferior? The love the world gives, the love it teaches, is so inferior to the love God gives, freely.

I have sense, only as much as you think I have. In all honesty, I no too get sense. Believe I do at your own peril. An SEO professional|| Content strategist