I HAVE ONLY ONE YEAR LEFT IN ME

My time is limited. And so is yours. You don’t have time anymore, so why are you still sitting down, scrolling through Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, or TikTok?

Why are you living such shitty life you’ll regret every moment when you die?

Yesterday, I felt the insides of my head explode in pain. I wanted to sleep but the sleep did not come. I wanted to read, but my head was not assimilating. What is happening, I asked myself. Why do I feel this way? I’d just returned from work where I interviewed a guest. We spoke about the economic pains in the country and how the government was dealing with them. it was a good interview. The guest even said he loved the conversation. We were good. So why do I feel this much pain?

I went to the doctor today, and he diagnosed me. He said I had just one year left. He was expecting me to ask him why I was what I was. He was expecting me to ask if there was anything he could do to make me live longer. Instead, I smiled. I smiled at him and thanked him for his service.

“Are you all right,” he asked, questions riddling his handsome face.

“Yes, I am,” I replied, my smile growing wider.

“Are you happy you have one year left?”

“No, I am not happy. I just know that now I have to live,” I responded. The weight of my statement hit me after I said the words. I had to live now. I needed to live now.

When was the last time I truly felt alive? When was the last time I was geared up to wake up and get going? When was the last time I spent most of my day figuring out how to make someone’s life better?

It’s been a while.

And I am sure it has been a while for you too.

Do you know why I know it has been a while for you?

Because as you read this, you are wondering why you feel so bland, so deflated. You’re not sure why your adrenaline doesn’t rush as much anymore. The world feels bland. Yes, there is work or business, but it doesn’t make you feel happy. Your existence doesn’t make you happy. Happiness is a goal you chase now, not a reality you bask in. That’s how I know you’ve not been living for long.

As I walked home today, my mind rummaged through the things I said I was going to do. The goals were swallowed up by fear and inconsistency. The excuses I gave for not following through. I remember my big talk and all the many things I said I would do. And it struck me. It hit me like a rock: I have been dead.

If someone had told me that coming to terms with my mortality was the jarring wake-up call that I needed, I would have called them cliché. I know how cliché the idea of mortality and its eye-opening abilities sounded to me some years ago. But now I know better. Now I know that I’d be angry with myself a year from now when I lay on that deathbed, a few ticking seconds before I take my last breath if I did not at least push myself to become the person I want to become. I know I’ll hate every fiber of my being if I don’t speak to the people I want to speak to. I’ll tear-soak my bed if I don’t write all the articles I want to write; if I don’t read the book I want to read and write the ones I know I should write.

This is not me cramming so much into my day. nah, far from it. This is me coming to terms with how short a lifespan I have and how I can either waste every other minute regretting how I’ve lived my life for over two decades or try to make amends.

See, amends isn’t even the word now. There is nothing to amend. I should make every minute count. And that’s what I’m doing now, writing to you. sharing how I feel and what I know. My gift can’t be wasted, you know. I can’t allow all the things inside me to go to waste because I was too lazy and scared to do so. I won’t allow my body to become flappy and bloated because I was too lazy to hit the gym. I’d love to be sexy as hell on the other side.

If you have one year left, like me, what will you do differently?

I know you think you have more years to live, but you don’t. I have lost two people in my life in the past three days. One from sickness and another through road accident. So, I ask again, if you have one year left, what will you do differently?